The Perils of Bella Swan
by kittensrule394
Summary: Bella's perils and pain when Edward can't quite make it in time to save her.This takes place mostly after Eclipse. I changed the rating because the themes became suggestive. Sorry, but no lemons.
1. Skirts

**The Perils of Bella Swan**

_**Skirts:**_

I watched as Edward walked lithely toward me. How could such a beautiful creature love me? I tugged down the hem of the vile skirt Alice had literally forced me in. My entire wardrobe is filled with girly things like this now.

Sadly the item I'm wearing now didn't even come to my knees.

Edward brushed his lips across my forehead bringing me out of my internal rant. "Hello love, how was class? Are you ready for lunch?" I swallowed hard, the words I was going to say having vanished from my head.

Instead I intertwined my fingers with his as he led the way to the cafeteria. "You look positively stunning in that skirt by the way…" He whispered, pointedly looking my legs up and down.

I sighed, "Edward if I fall it will show everything." He laughed. "As if I would let you fall!" He scoffed at me.

"If you're too far away, then you can't show the whole world what you are, now can you?" I shot back. His beautiful face twisted into a grimace. "Don't even make me think about that…"

Lunch went quickly as it always seemed to when I was with him. All too soon, we were walking into the biology room to our desk. The teacher walked in as the bell rang, and began the lecture on how plants make food…BORING!!

When the lecture ended ten minutes before the bell would ring, Mr. Banner dismissed us early.

"Ugh, that was boring…" I mumbled as I got up with my books, and started to walk toward the door, Edward still at the desk. Just as I started to walk out the door, my foot caught on the door stop, and I fell.

Edward in desperate attempt to save me while running at human speed was too late. My face met the floor, as my skirt flew up to show everyone what was concealed underneath.

Don't you know I was glad I wore shorts underneath my skirt?


	2. Newton's Outfitters

_**Newton's Outfitters:**_

"Bella!" Mrs. Newton called after me as I was leaving work. "How would you like to star in a commercial for the shop?"

My mouth fell open, "Uhhhh, uuuummmm…What would it involve?" I asked, extremely unsure of what I was capable of doing for a commercial.

She beamed at me. "It'll be easy dear, all you have to do is walk around in some of our women's merchandise, and show off our tents and other paraphernalia."

Yikes, I guess that also means cameras….extra money_ would _be good though. "Sure, Mrs. Newton, I'd love to."

She hugged me tight, my back shot ramrod straight. "Thank you sooo much, honey! It will ad an extra thousand to your pay check." She released me, much to my relief, (Only Edward was allowed to do that after all…) "You're welcome, have a good evening!"

I climbed into my car. "Oh. My. God! I'm gonna have to wair make up, and hiking boots, and all kinds of other crap." Wait till I tell Edward…Wait till I tell Charlie, he'll freak!

Much to my surprise, Charlie took it well, in fact he was ecstatic. Edward on the other hand….

"Bella, love, does that mean I can buy you something? A present…please?" His amber eyes were smoldering into scorching pools of liquid honey. His voice was softer than velvet.

I looked away to keep my composure, he was in my bed for Christ's sake, what was to keep me from "jumping" him right where he lay?

"No, you may not." I said, then stuck out my tounge.

He groaned, then captured my lips with his, we stayed like this until we were both breathless and gasping.

I heard him mutter, "Bad, no can't …. No…. after… wedding…." His self control was obviously dwindling.

"Edward, I don't want any gifts, but I _**can**_ understand your frustration." I sighed. Hello hole, I'll dig myself into you very soon... I thought to myself.

He held himself on top of me so he was pressed to me, but I couldn't feel any of his weight. "You do, do you?"

I nodded, then wrapped my arms around his neck. "Mmmm, hmmm, you _wana do _me, right now with Charlie right down the hallway… Don't you?" I kissed the hollow of his neck.

A playful growl escaped his throat, "Yes," he said through clenched teeth, "and you are making that _extremely_ hard." Edward rolled over so that I was on top of him. "But a blooming actress needs her sleep, doesn't she?"

"Guess so," I shrugged and rolled to the side, and laid my head on his chest. "Good night." My arms wrapped around him, his fingers running through my hair.

I woke up alone in the quiet house. There was a note on my bedside table from Edward it said: Good luck filming today, I need to hunt after that little **game** we played last night. You don't fight fair by the way…

I giggled. Oh yeah… that was today, better get ready.

I went through my morning routines, and got into jeans and a t-shirt. Not like I would be wearing that all day any way.

I got in my truck, and drove to the store. There was a camera, and tons of merchandise spread out all over the place. Fun.

Mrs. Newton ran up to me. "Hurry here is your outfit, I'll do your make up when you're changed."

I went to the store's bathroom, changed, and got out. Then went to my doom, while Mrs. Newton put my hair in a loose bun and did make up. More fun.

"There dear, you look lovely!"

Mr. Newton was readying the camera. "Come over and stand in front of the forest over there." He pointed at the place where the props were at.

As soon as we started filming, I knew it was trouble, I had to walk and read cue cards being held by Mrs. Newton at the same time… crap.

It started out fine, sure no problem, I was just standing there, but as soon as I had to start walking, danger….

By the time I came home, I had a twisted ankle, bruises _all_ over my body, and a sprained wrist. All in a day's work for Bella Swan.

Let's just say Edward was pissed.


	3. HELP!

Hello,

This is Katharina. I'm having trouble coming up with new ideas for future chapters in **The Perils of Bella Swan**. If anyone has something that would work for teens only, please tell me **ASAP**! I can't help the writers block, as it has been caused by working on something of my own that I wish to publish soon.

Please tell me if you come up with any ideas!

Lots of Love,

Katharina


	4. Operation: Chocolate Chip Cookie

**Operation: Chocolate Chip Cookies**

_Edward was out hunting, leaving me at home. Charlie was also out, fishing. I had the house to myself, and I wanted cookies. So, why go to a store when I already had all the ingredients right here at home? _

I thought all this, as I collected the things that I needed preheating the oven and setting out bowls and mixers. The butter had been sitting out for an hour, it was nice and soft. The cookies I was planning on making… Chocolate chip! This is the start of Operation: Chocolate Chip!

Sure Edward had told me that Alice had said I was supposed to get hurt today, but she didn't say how. Come on, I've been cooking for Charlie since I came to Forks! I could handle baking cookies. How dangerous could that be?

I hummed tunelessly to myself as I mixed the butter and sugar together, the flour, baking soda, and salt in a separate bowl. I tripped in the process of getting to the refrigerator for the eggs, hitting my elbow on the table. _Just a mere flesh wound_, I thought. I would bruise, but nothing serious. Then I slowly added all the other ingredients to the mixing bowl. _Hurray!!! Now only ten minutes stand between me and cookies! _I thought happily. I spooned the dough onto the cookie sheet and opened the oven. My hand touched the rack, though I didn't notice.

I set the oven and opened my copy of Romeo and Juliet, thinking of all the similarities between their struggles and my own. The only difference was that most of our problems had been resolved, except for the wedding, which Alice insisted to having me "make decisions" on every day.

The timer went off and I opened the oven to retrieve the yummy cookies, which had started to smell delicious while baking. In my hurry to satisfy my cravings, I forgot oven mitts, and burned my other hand. I quickly released the sheets, and got the mitts before the damage could get any worse, placing the cookies on top of the oven to cool.

I went to the bathroom to check out the damage on my hand, the only thing was, when I looked at both my hands not just the one was burned, they both were! _HOLY COW!! How did that happen, my left hand doesn't even hurt! In fact... I don't feel any pain at all..._ I tried to remember what I knew about burns, and what it meant if you couldn't feel the pain.

I had given myself a third degree burn and didn't even realize it! I put ice on my hands and used speaker-phone to call Edward. He picked up quickly.

"Yes Bella?" He said expectantly.

I felt myself turn red in embarrassment. "Uuuuuh, Edward, I burned my hands… and uh, I think one of them is a third degree….."

He muttered curses to himself, then responded. "Bella, love, I'm coming to take you to Carlisle. Please don't move."

I groaned. "No hospitals, please Edward I don't want to have to deal with that…."

He chuckled. "I promise, no hospitals."

The line clicked, and then silence. All I could think was, _Maybe I should have listened to Alice after all…_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**_Hey, Its Katharina! Thank you for reading this chapter! As with the last time I updated, if you have any suggestions for future chapters, please tell me! Oh yes, and review PLEASE!_**


	5. I thought you were joking

**When You Asked if I Believed in Magic, I Thought You Were Joking….**

"Bella, Dear," My angel called from the entrance of the house.

I grimaced. "_WHAT?!_" my voice was acerbic, harsh._ Why_ did he have to wake me up? Why?

"Um, what is this thing?" I realized that he had made his way up to my room. He sounded panicked, his voice barely audible.

"What_ thing_?" Then I realized that he was holding up a pair of my panties. "SHIT!" I yelped and sprang out of bed, grabbing the lacy thing quickly.

"Well?" he asked expectantly.

"Why do you really care, Edward? After all, I'm the one weary it, not _you_." If I could have turned any redder, I would have. I did not want to be discussing this.

"I want to know because it's basically a string with lace all over it. Is it a hat?"

Edward, obviously, had never seen a thong, why me? "Not a hat, underwear." I sighed in defeat.

He balked, completely astonished. "W-wha-at?" I swear that if he could blush, he would be a beet by now. "Why do y-y-you…… have….. it?"

More heat rushed to my face, as I realized that I would have to explain myself more than I really wanted to.

"Um, because I… was, well, planning to wear it, um, for our wedding night?" It was true, I was saving them, you can thank Alice. "I thought, it would, I don't know…. Be a reward(?) for you, I guess? For putting up with me."

An evil smirk crossed his face. "Bella, do you believe in magic?" He asked innocently.

I started laughing hysterically. Rolling on the floor like a loon.

"What did I say?" he sounded hurt.

I stopped laughing and looked at him. "Oh…… you… were…. Serious?"


	6. One way or another

**One Way or Another, I'm Gonna Getcha **

Edward had a hard time looking at me for quite awhile after the thong incident. I swear, it is all _Alice's fault_.

He got his grip back- about a week ago- and decided to subject me to more Alice/wedding torture. Of course that would only happen after a good two hours in his room having a "meeting" about "things".

In other words, by the time we would be done we would _both_ be about half-dressed.

Moving on…..

"Edward, can't I just stay here? I don't want to go plan things with Alice!" I whined, still hot and shiny with sweat from yet another _lovely make out session_.

I continued to button my shirt as he replied, "No, I know you were planning on letting her do all the work, but you need to have some say. Please, she's been bugging me all week."

Ah, so the _ulterior motive_ has appeared! I looked at his usually clean floor, which was covered by shirts and other paraphernalia.

"Could I at least help you clean, just for a little?" He chuckled, "_Anything_ to avoid the wedding." I smiled. "Yes, anything."

I started picking up laundry and books which had been thrown carelessly to the floor. Then I saw it, a little bottle turned over to I couldn't see the label.

I picked it up and turned it over. The two words on the label caused me to blush '_sensual pleasure_' was written gracefully on the front.

"E-Edward…?" I squeaked pitifully, "Wha-what on earth is '_sensual pleasure_'?" My voice cracked.

Edward smiled my favorite crooked smile before responding. "Why, its your wedding present or course." An evil glint came into his eyes. "Do you…. Want to try it out?" He asked, voice husky, eye brows raised.

I squealed, falling into his stone arms. My angel kissed my forehead, " I'll take that as a yes."

All I could do was smile stupidly up at him as he opened the bottle….


	7. My White Wedding Great

**My White Wedding…. Great**

The day I had been trying not to think about had somehow snuck up on me. (Maybe it was because I hadn't been thinking about it. Hard to tell between the rock and hard place after all.)

Anyhow, it was the day of the wedding (August 13th for those of you who have slept since then), and Alice was playing the part of _Crazy Lady_. She had the dress-gorgeously perfect for Edward, but the crazy part comes in with 4 ½ inch heels, bobby pins, and hairspray. _Lord, save us all_!

Oh yes, and please tell me how she expects me to walk in 4 ½ inch heels!

"Alice….? You're hurting my head." I yelped as she tightened one of many curlers on my head.

She laughed. "Beauty is pain, Darling Sister, you'll live." She flashed an extremely impish grin my direction.

When she was finished playing cosmetologist (she was probably _certified_ as one considering how long she'd been here), she almost literally flew me to her room and began to dress me.

"What is this Alice, its so tight, I can't breathe. Is it supposed to hurt my ribs?"

"Why Bella, I hear it's the latest trend in London." I groaned, "Women in London must have learned _not to breathe._ (Doesn't that sound familiar ladies and gents)

She giggled, a pixie-like sound. "Silly it's a corset, you don't take deep breaths with one of these on. Oh, and I figured you would like to know this, your petticoats weigh about 10 pounds."

"_Whaaaaaaaaaat?!"_ I shrieked as she came toward me, skirts in tow.

Then came the actual ceremony itself. All the people staring at me, _no pressure_.

0.0

"Bella, honey, you look beautiful. Are you really sure you want to do this?" Concern laced his voice as he looked the Victorian wedding dress over.

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and get some oxygen to my brain. "Yes, Dad, I'm sure. I love him, I really do."

The signal was given and we began the trek down the isle, people starring, no pressure. Yes, no pressure just twenty five pairs of eyes all staring at you. Most definitely… no pressure.

Edward stood, waiting in front of the minister, the giant Emmet. His eyes wide and bulging (I told Alice it might overwhelm him… she never listens.) Before I knew it, I was standing next to him, blushing furiously.

He chuckled, and the ceremony swept into full swing. You know, the saying of bows, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera….

"You may kiss the bride." Finally registered when Edward smashed his lips to mine, before my eyes fluttered shut, I saw my mom weeping.

Mommy's little girl has gone off and gotten married. Cue sniffling and sobbing, so sad. Though technically I didn't go anywhere, oh well.

The after party was grueling, Alice wouldn't let us leave, and of course it would involve more heels- and waling in them. Cue dead spirit- fingers.

When everyone finally left I was ready to shoot my fet, and I was positive they would still hurt in the morning.

Edward, had apparently decided to go to a hotel, the crème de la crème too. Mirrors, everywhere. Candles, them too, everywhere. He spent _way too much money_, but for tonight it was perfect.

I was being carried up the stairs bridal-style, Edward was having way too much fun as he walked dramatically slow toward the room.

He was humming happily to himself as he opened the door and sat me on the bed. "Are you sure you really want to do this as a human? I may hurt you, and I don't think I could live with that."

I scoffed, "Edward of course I want this _now_ it is the one human experience I can't live without. Besides, there's always morphine."

"Don't remind me. Morphine makes you smell funny."

I giggled. "Do you have the bottle?"

He smiled, "Only if you have the 'hat'."

"Of course I have the 'hat', by the way I will probably never wear on of these again. They're like permanent wedgies."

He chuckled, then pressed his lips softly to mine. The pressure building as he reached for the '_sensual pleasure_', hitching my leg up as my hands tangled in his hair.

Quite frankly, I don't think the people on that floor slept anymore that me did that night.

-Fin-


	8. Trouble with Perfection

Trouble with Perfection

**Trouble with Perfection**

Three months. Three MONTHS! Every night for the last three months that Edward and I have been married, he's promised to change me. Every night, while I lie in bliss and ecstasy, he's managed to convince me to let him put it off…I'm going to Alice.

I ran down the hall and knocked on the door. "Alice?" She opened the door, and I fell on my face. She laughed helping me up. "Bella, what brings you here? Not enjoying Edward's endless endurance?" She smirked. I would have hit her, but the only good that would do is give me a broken hand.

"Alice," I said trying to keep the blush down, "I'm just trying to figure out why I'm still human…. And he hasn't changed me." She giggled, "I thought it was your choice?" I grimaced. "No, he just doesn't fight fair." She hugged me and smiled. "Of course not, but why'd you come to me?" Despite my attempts to suppress it, the stupid blush would not stay down. "I….dunno?"

Edward chose this moment to com in, he pulled me to him. "So, what are you two talking about?" he asked slyly. As if he didn't already know. "Nothing." I told him quickly, kissing him in attempt to distract him. "Nice try, Bella." Alice said after she finished making gagging noises. "He knows. Edward, if you don't… I will." She told him sternly, wagging her finger in a scolding manner.

Edward pulled away, and in mock horror said, "What, you don't think I will?" he covered his mouth with his hand, looking very gay. I giggled, but shut up when he gave me a look. Alice wasn't amused. "I only saw her as a vampire, _not_ who changed her." She sounded menacing and scary. "I'll do it when I'm ready." He told her, patting her spiky hair. She shook her head. "How about," She cocked her head, "Now, with me watching."

I turned beet red, and in unison, Edward and I said, "No! We'll go do it right now… away from you!" Edward scooped me up and ran me to his room.


	9. There is a Gutter in My Head

There is a Gutter in My Head… Whatever Shall I Do

_Hello everyone, Katharina speaking. For some reason, I felt like writing this next chapter of THE PERILS OF BELLA SWAN in Edward's POV. I don't really know why, and I know, that the star of this story is supposed to be Bella and all, but sometimes I have days when I write better in a guys POV (maybe it has something to do with hanging around so many boys at school, who knows). Moving on, I hope you all enjoy this next chapter of the story!_

_Lots of love,_

_Katharina_

**There is a Gutter in My Head… Whatever Shall I Do?**

(Edward POV)

It was a normal day, well, a normal day for anyone who wasn't a blood sucking vampire who had condemned his wife and love to eternal damnation… but who cares? The sky was dark and overcast, looking like it would rain. I glared at the clouds; I had really wanted to take Bella to the meadow today! But in this house, there is no such thing as a minute's peace. It was only about five minutes before my pouting had been disturbed.

"Edward Cullen! Get your butt down here! NOW!!" Emmet yelled from below. I sighed, and glared at the clouds one more time before running downstairs to see what was going on. "Emmet, what the hell do you want?!" I growled, not liking that my internal ranting had been disturbed. He smiled a wicked smile before I saw the knife in his hands…that just can't be good. He handed me the knife, "Have you and Bella ever role played when doing it?" He asked impishly. I stared at him in absolute horror, "N-no, why would we do that. We don't need it to get in the mood or anything…." I trailed off, this was not the conversation I wanted to have with my brother. "Oh," He looked puzzled. "But it's so much fun. Rosalie and I do it all the time." I shook my head and grimaced, "I know." I said, remembering the time that I had caught them on the piano, and in the kitchen…. Oh yes, and in the bathroom. They were like rabbits that couldn't breed.

He seemed to read my expression. "That's not what I meant." He said shaking his head. Before he could start again, Bella walked down the stairs; she had obviously been with Alice…wait, Alice? Crap, she must be in on this too. Bella looked beautiful of course, impossibly so. Alice had put her in a fluttering black mini and an off the shoulder red top. My jaw dropped as I saw the stiletto heals Alice had also managed to get her to wear. Bella squealed when she saw me. Emmet shoved us outside, "Now you two lovey-dovey rabbits go outside and play." He said with a smirk, closing the door and locking it.

Bella looked utterly confused, not noticing the bulge developing in my pants as she hugged me. "What does he mean by go play? We're not kids after all." I shook my head, trying to get the image of her, with the outfit she was wearing next us, on top of me… breast bouncing and both of us moaning. Gutter, gutter, go away… why can my thoughts never be clean around her? Well at least I was planning on taking her to the- "Edward, Edward," She said, waving her hand in front of my face. "Earth to Edward snap out of it, come on, lets go to the meadow." She yelled, already yards in front of me as she began to run in the direction of our little place. I ran after her, images of us together, naked, in the rain.

She beat me there, and sat toying with a flower she had picked. It was too much, swooped her up and kissed her, placing her gently on a fallen over tree. She squeaked in indignation until she realized my intent. "Here…in the woods, I didn't think you were the type to do that." She murmured, unbuttoning my shirt as she kissed me again. I pulled her skirt down with her panties, taking in the wonderful sight. She had finished with my shirt, and pulled it off slowly, groaning as I deepened the kiss, then pushed away to take off the top that Alice had forced her into. I took off my pants, freeing myself from them. She giggle as she looked down seeing my size, and looked up. "Come down here, Mister, we're no where close to being done."

We began kissing again as I slid a finger inside her. She moaned into my mouth, and reached down grabbing my erect penis, stroking it softly. It was my turn to moan, and I picked up my finger's pace, attacking her tongue with my own as I prepared to enter.

I did so quickly, not bothering with any kind of prelude, and began to work up a steady rhythm. We gasped and groaned out each other's names until we climaxed, and I collapsed on top of her.

She toyed with a piece of my hair, and then turned to look at me innocently. "Edward, what's role playing?"


End file.
